originally posted at Obnoxi.us, 20.05.2011
The editor of obnoxi.us sent me a message on
Facebook a few days ago, in which he expressed the hope that Frankie would soon
produce another rant. I’m afraid it’s not quite that easy, Chris.
Let me try to explain something about Frankie.
He lives in my head – or, as he prefers to put it, he is forced to share my
head with me. He doesn’t like this situation but, over the years, I’ve learned
to keep him quiet and well under control and my life has been a lot more
peaceful and harmonious as a result. But if he gets the feeling that I want something from him then he becomes
impossible, for one of his many nasty characteristics is the pleasure he takes
in making things difficult for me.
Our deal was that I would let him out
occasionally on obnoxi.us if he agreed to leave me in peace otherwise. However,
the approval he has experienced for his cloacal regurgitations here has given
him a feeling of some power, and that is always dangerous. Asked about a new
rant, he suddenly started to play the prima donna – he didn’t really feel like
it, he was too relaxed and at peace with the world after the recent holiday I
had, he’d have to consult with his agent (!), etc., etc. It’s all rubbish, of
course – all he’s doing is his usual number of being plain ornery. After much cajoling
from me, he expressed a wish to write a letter to the US president, welcoming him to Ireland
So here you have it, such as it is. I’m afraid
it shows another aspect of his character; an opportunistic obsequious
self-serving sliminess, which is so
obviously insincere that it is sickening – at least to me. But that’s Frankie;
you only have to read him – I have to live
with the bastard …
Barry K.
O’Bama
Dear Mr.
President,
I’d really
rather address you as Barry, for aren’t you one of our own after all? ‘Tis very
glad indeed we will be to be meeting you next Monday, when you drop in for a
day to visit us here in the Emerald Isle and check out your Mammy’s roots in
the traditional American manner. Sure, isn’t that something that all American
presidents (with the exception of the Bushes) in recent times have done as an
example for their countrymen to come and leave a few welcome dollars in poor
auld Ireland? And ‘tis sorely they’re needed, me boy, sorely they’re needed!
Well do I
remember those days in 1984 when your great predecessor, Ronnie Reagan, visited
the ‘aul sod. Yer man [that’s the
awful gobshite whose head I’m cursed to have to share – locked in he keeps me
and only lets me out at the computer from time to time!], of course, was out
protesting against him, shouting about the rights of the Sandinistas in
Nicaragua and other such bullshit, but then he’s always been a bleeding heart
leftie pinko liberal. Me, I felt it was highly disrespectful of him to be
treating the president of the greatest country on earth in such a disrespectful
manner but I’ve little control over his thoughts and actions, more’s the pity.
Mind you,
Barry, I don’t know if I’d have told you that three years ago, as you seemed to
be a bit of a pinko liberal yourself during your election campaign. You cute
hoor, you! You fooled them all didn’t you, making everyone forget that, when
you get right down to it, you’re really a good old Chicago Democrat? Talk big
at the elections and then do the deals in the back rooms. Ah, but the blood
will out!
And
speaking of blood, I’ve me own theory about your Irish origins. I’ve a strong
suspicion about Irish ancestry on your father’s side too. You might want to ask
around in Kenya
Well,
anyway, ‘tis just grand that you’re coming over to visit us and all, and don’t
bother listening to any of the begrudgers who say that you’re only courting the
Irish-American vote in the next election. Sure and didn’t they say the same
about the sainted Ronnie, bless his senile demented memory?
We’re a
very welcoming people, you know. Didn’t we welcome Lizzy Windsor this week and
her being the Queen of England and all? And haven’t we welcomed all those
American companies like Citicorp and Microsoft and Google and given them a
lovely place to make all their profits with our nice low corporation taxes?
(Though I have to complain about ungrateful gits like Intel and Dell who moved
on elsewhere when things got a bit rough here and they found they could get
cheaper deals elsewhere.)
Ah, Barry,
we’re in a bad way now, to tell the truth. Sure, didn’t our asinine politicians
go and give blanket unlimited guarantees to the Irish banks when the crisis
started? Which meant that the poor aul Irish taxpayers are now left with a bill
of $ 100 billion. And where did the Irish banks get the money and who is it
owed to? Why, the big international banks, that’s who. And where are most of
them? In Germany
And that’s
where you could do us a favour – as a patriotic honorary Irishman. You could
tell that German bitch, Merkel, to go a bit easier on us; she’d listen to you.
Otherwise, you could suggest that Ireland Frankfurt for Wall Street, after all.
Now how’s
that for an idea – Ireland
as the 51st state of the Union ? It
would kind of balance off Hawaii Atlantic . Sure and don’t we even speak the same language?
And all those young Irish people looking for jobs wouldn’t need Green Cards to
go to America
The more I
think of it, the more I’m sure it would be of great benefit to you. Wouldn’t
the Irish all vote Democrat – all you’d have to do would be remind them of the
Kennedys. I’ll tell you this, Barry, the only kind of tea parties we have in
this country are those where we drink the stuff – and if you’re partial to it,
we could always put a sup of whiskey into it too. Your re-election would be
assured!
And then,
in your second term you could make Bono Secretary of State …
Yours sincerely,
Frankie
And that’s where you could do us a favour – as a patriotic honorary Irishman. You could tell that German bitch, Merkel, to go a bit easier on us; she’d listen to you.
ReplyDeleteNot anymore with the NSA doing all they can to diddle under the sheets!
We have an airport in Shannon which we hardly use at all these days which would make a lovely base for US forces on this side of the Atlantic.
Now those are just plain old fighting words Frankie!
Charlie ;)