Saturday, 10 March 2012

Frankie Writes to Barack Obama

originally posted at, 20.05.2011

The editor of sent me a message on Facebook a few days ago, in which he expressed the hope that Frankie would soon produce another rant. I’m afraid it’s not quite that easy, Chris.

Let me try to explain something about Frankie. He lives in my head – or, as he prefers to put it, he is forced to share my head with me. He doesn’t like this situation but, over the years, I’ve learned to keep him quiet and well under control and my life has been a lot more peaceful and harmonious as a result. But if he gets the feeling that I want something from him then he becomes impossible, for one of his many nasty characteristics is the pleasure he takes in making things difficult for me.

Our deal was that I would let him out occasionally on if he agreed to leave me in peace otherwise. However, the approval he has experienced for his cloacal regurgitations here has given him a feeling of some power, and that is always dangerous. Asked about a new rant, he suddenly started to play the prima donna – he didn’t really feel like it, he was too relaxed and at peace with the world after the recent holiday I had, he’d have to consult with his agent (!), etc., etc. It’s all rubbish, of course – all he’s doing is his usual number of being plain ornery. After much cajoling from me, he expressed a wish to write a letter to the US president, welcoming him to Ireland on the occasion of his visit there next week. After a lot of soul-searching, I reluctantly agreed because it’s the only way I’m going to get some peace; Frankie sensed I didn’t like the idea and so became progressively more enthusiastic about it.

So here you have it, such as it is. I’m afraid it shows another aspect of his character; an opportunistic obsequious self-serving sliminess, which is so obviously insincere that it is sickening – at least to me. But that’s Frankie; you only have to read him – I have to live with the bastard …

Barry K. O’Bama
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Dear Mr. President,

I’d really rather address you as Barry, for aren’t you one of our own after all? ‘Tis very glad indeed we will be to be meeting you next Monday, when you drop in for a day to visit us here in the Emerald Isle and check out your Mammy’s roots in the traditional American manner. Sure, isn’t that something that all American presidents (with the exception of the Bushes) in recent times have done as an example for their countrymen to come and leave a few welcome dollars in poor auld Ireland? And ‘tis sorely they’re needed, me boy, sorely they’re needed!

Well do I remember those days in 1984 when your great predecessor, Ronnie Reagan, visited the ‘aul sod. Yer man [that’s the awful gobshite whose head I’m cursed to have to share – locked in he keeps me and only lets me out at the computer from time to time!], of course, was out protesting against him, shouting about the rights of the Sandinistas in Nicaragua and other such bullshit, but then he’s always been a bleeding heart leftie pinko liberal. Me, I felt it was highly disrespectful of him to be treating the president of the greatest country on earth in such a disrespectful manner but I’ve little control over his thoughts and actions, more’s the pity.

Mind you, Barry, I don’t know if I’d have told you that three years ago, as you seemed to be a bit of a pinko liberal yourself during your election campaign. You cute hoor, you! You fooled them all didn’t you, making everyone forget that, when you get right down to it, you’re really a good old Chicago Democrat? Talk big at the elections and then do the deals in the back rooms. Ah, but the blood will out!

And speaking of blood, I’ve me own theory about your Irish origins. I’ve a strong suspicion about Irish ancestry on your father’s side too. You might want to ask around in Kenya about whether there were any Irish missionary priests around when your granny was a young one. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if that’s where you got your gift of the gab.

Well, anyway, ‘tis just grand that you’re coming over to visit us and all, and don’t bother listening to any of the begrudgers who say that you’re only courting the Irish-American vote in the next election. Sure and didn’t they say the same about the sainted Ronnie, bless his senile demented memory?

We’re a very welcoming people, you know. Didn’t we welcome Lizzy Windsor this week and her being the Queen of England and all? And haven’t we welcomed all those American companies like Citicorp and Microsoft and Google and given them a lovely place to make all their profits with our nice low corporation taxes? (Though I have to complain about ungrateful gits like Intel and Dell who moved on elsewhere when things got a bit rough here and they found they could get cheaper deals elsewhere.)

Ah, Barry, we’re in a bad way now, to tell the truth. Sure, didn’t our asinine politicians go and give blanket unlimited guarantees to the Irish banks when the crisis started? Which meant that the poor aul Irish taxpayers are now left with a bill of $ 100 billion. And where did the Irish banks get the money and who is it owed to? Why, the big international banks, that’s who. And where are most of them? In Germany, that’s where.

And that’s where you could do us a favour – as a patriotic honorary Irishman. You could tell that German bitch, Merkel, to go a bit easier on us; she’d listen to you. Otherwise, you could suggest that Ireland might leave the euro zone and join the dollar zone. All we’d be doing really would be swapping Frankfurt for Wall Street, after all.

Now how’s that for an idea – Ireland as the 51st state of the Union? It would kind of balance off Hawaii on the other side. We have an airport in Shannon which we hardly use at all these days which would make a lovely base for US forces on this side of the Atlantic. Sure and don’t we even speak the same language? And all those young Irish people looking for jobs wouldn’t need Green Cards to go to America any more!

The more I think of it, the more I’m sure it would be of great benefit to you. Wouldn’t the Irish all vote Democrat – all you’d have to do would be remind them of the Kennedys. I’ll tell you this, Barry, the only kind of tea parties we have in this country are those where we drink the stuff – and if you’re partial to it, we could always put a sup of whiskey into it too. Your re-election would be assured!

And then, in your second term you could make Bono Secretary of State …

Yours sincerely,

1 comment:

  1. And that’s where you could do us a favour – as a patriotic honorary Irishman. You could tell that German bitch, Merkel, to go a bit easier on us; she’d listen to you.

    Not anymore with the NSA doing all they can to diddle under the sheets!

    We have an airport in Shannon which we hardly use at all these days which would make a lovely base for US forces on this side of the Atlantic.

    Now those are just plain old fighting words Frankie!

    Charlie ;)