originally posted at Obnoxi.us, 02.05.2011
As I mentioned over on Attempted Essays, I’m on holidays at the moment and I hadn’t really been planning to post anything during this time. But Frankie was watching the news yesterday evening – before the reports of Bin Laden’s death broke – and he started to rattle the bars of his cage. So I’ve decided to let him out again in the hope that he’ll give me a bit of peace for the next fortnight. I’ve got to warn you, this is in very bad taste. What can you say, it’s Frankie …
As I mentioned over on Attempted Essays, I’m on holidays at the moment and I hadn’t really been planning to post anything during this time. But Frankie was watching the news yesterday evening – before the reports of Bin Laden’s death broke – and he started to rattle the bars of his cage. So I’ve decided to let him out again in the hope that he’ll give me a bit of peace for the next fortnight. I’ve got to warn you, this is in very bad taste. What can you say, it’s Frankie …
Frankie So Ratzo finally went
and did it yesterday. He proclaimed formally to the whole world that John Paul
II is in heaven. As such, Catholics are now allowed to pray to him; though
because he’s only “Blessed” JP and not yet “Saint” JP they’re only allowed to
do it in Rome and in Poland . He’s now playing in the
Polish and Italian national leagues and if he does well in the qualification
stakes, he’ll finally make it to the Intercession World Cup at some stage in
the future. Being a blessed
is a kind of apprentice sainthood; you
get to practice and polish up your interceding techniques with God on a local
audience, you get time to plan another miracle and then, if you’ve done your
job well, the pope promotes you to saint and you get to intercede for everyone
world-wide.
This is some bizarre fucking business. I’m very
open-minded myself but there was stuff going on here that’s in the seriously
kinky area. I mean, the first thing they did was to dig the body up. Shades of Dawn of the Living Dead. They do it to check the odour of sanctity or
something. Apparently, blesseds and saints don’t stink. So the corpse was
present for the whole ceremony and now they’re going to entomb him in a better
place in St. Peter’s so that more pilgrims can drop by and say hello. Gives him
more practice in interceding, maybe a better choice of candidates for healing
miracles.
Come to think of it, maybe the Catholic Church
could use this to move with the times, set up a reality TV show and get some
good publicity. Vatican ’s Next Top Miracle. You get a group of incurably ill people,
they all get to pray at the tomb of Blessed JP and then a jury of priests
examines their stories and illnesses before giving the candidates for the next
round a holy picture of JP II. The candidate to be eliminated doesn’t get a
picture and dies. The winner of the series gets cured.
One of the high points of the ceremony was
where the nun he had allegedly cured of Parkinson’s got to carry a phial of his
blood to the altar. This made me wonder if the whole thing hadn’t been planned
for a long time, even before he died. April 1 2005, JP is busy dying. A
phone-call from Ratzo to the doctor:
“Ja, you haff to make sure you get some of ze
blood … Ja, ve are going to need it … Was? It is voll mit bacteria? … Ja, ja, I
understand, he has sepsis … Ok, vell, sterilise it or something – it has to
keep for a few years anyway …”
In Poland they’ve been cutting up his
cassocks for a couple of years now and passing the bits around as relics. It’s
probably only going to be a matter of time before we see his underwear being
offered for sale on EBay. With certificates of authenticity, signed by his
laundry lady.
The man responsible for running the whole
beatification business – it’s an official job in the Catholic Church and he’s
got the title of postulator
– has confirmed that JP wasn’t averse to
a bit of S&M; apparently he was into flagellation. Like I said, seriously kinky business – first necrophilia, then
whipping.
But then, one of his best friends was Fr.
Marcial Maciel, the founder of the extreme right-wing Legionaries of Christ, who has recently been outed as a serial
child-abuser and father of six children, some of whom he also abused. JP
thought Maciel was hot shit because he was conservative and good at raising
money for the church. Of course, he also thought Opus Dei was the greatest thing to happen to
Catholicism since the Spanish Inquisition.
Robert Mugabe attended the ceremony in Rome yesterday. Vatican diplomatic protocol ensured that he was allowed
to come, even if the EU bans him from travelling into its member states. But
then, the Vatican
is welcoming and forgiving to everyone – unless you’re gay, or a remarried
divorced Catholic, or a woman using the pill, or a liberation theologian.
Mugabe is a big fan of JP II. That makes sense.
Blessed John Paul II? If Jesus was alive, he’d
be turning in his grave …
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