originally published at Obnoxi.us, 10.06.2011
Dear Mr. Obnoxious,
You’re such
a hot-shot computer software type, I thought I’d make you a proposal. You know,
like in that Pet Shop Boys song,
“I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the looks, let’s make lots of money.” Knowing
that you’re a man who’s always trying to earn a living with his skills in the
virtual world, I figure this is an offer you can’t refuse.
I want to
start an on-line church. I thought we could call it Frankie’s First Church
When I
started thinking about all this, it quickly became clear to me that the best
model to follow is definitely the Catholic one. I mean, let’s face it, they’ve
been around for nearly two thousand years now, which means that their product
and business model must have a lot going for them. And they’ve got a couple of
features which are just begging for on-line development.
My
suggestion is that we launch the whole thing around one of the most successful
concepts the Catholics have been pushing since God was a boy – the idea of Absolution. You know, the whole Confession thing. In my model, we’d
basically take over the whole Catholic idea here one for one. You confess your
sins on-line, there’s a priest somewhere who issues an absolution and, bingo,
all your sins are forgiven.
I see great
possibilities for this as a mobile app. It’s not even a scam, you can really
certify this as being the genuine Catholic article. All you have to do is find
some Catholic ex-priest who needs the money. You see, the Catholic Church
teaches once a priest, always a priest.
Even if a priest quits, even if the Church formally defrocks him (that’s a lovely expression, isn’t it, something
really kinky about it J?), he’s still formally a priest and
the actual god-given power to do the old whammy can’t be taken away from him.
Honest to God, that is the genuine Catholic teaching on the subject – it’s
about the sacrament of ordination making an indelible mark of his soul, or
something like that.
So, all you
have to do is download the absolution app onto your iphone or android device
and you’re basically ready to go. This is where we start to earn money. For the
simple app, the user pays $ 4.99. For this you get the basic packet: A list of
sins you just click on to confess (you can also enter the number of times you
sinned and there’s a graded scale of severity you input), press the Send button and you’re done. The basic
packet includes three free absolutions but you may have to wait a while for it
and the individual penance necessary for it to become effective, because the
server collects and collates the sins and sends them to the priest three or
four times a day, who then formally gives the absolution. The severity of the
penance can be automatically programmed into the software so that the priest
doesn’t have to work this out individually – minor transgressions like little
lies or shoplifting get one Hail Mary,
for more major things like murder, marital infidelity, or sexual abuse of
minors a couple of Rosaries would be imposed.
But this is
only the beginning. We could offer all sorts of premium services (with extra
costs, of course). Like the Instant
Absolution extra – a secure contact is installed immediately to the priest,
who gives the penance and absolution straight away. For those whose time is
limited you can also buy the extra Indulgence
option, which frees you of the obligation to do the penance before the
absolution becomes effective. I see great possibilities for this option in
airport departure lounges – we might need to think about doing some kind of
advertising in such areas. Or we could also offer various comfort options; the
worry-free monthly flat rate ($19.95) with unlimited absolutions or the
comfort-option plus, which includes five (!) instant absolutions – world-wide,
any time – for just $39.95 per month extra.
This is all
only the first step, of course. When the thing is up and running and generating
enough income, we move on to the next stage. Automatic Holy Communion. We get our pet priest to consecrate thousands of
hosts and then do some kind of deal with Coca Cola or Pepsi so that they can be
made available in soft-drinks dispensing machines. When you see a machine with
the Holy Communion option, you just whip out your mobile phone, choose the Communion option on your app and you get
a one-time code which you then enter into the machine. The costs (we can call
them “Contributions”) are deducted directly from the user’s credit card. For an
extra charge, you can also get a thimble-full of consecrated wine (one thimble
per user per day, so that we can’t be accused of impiety by opening up
possibilities of abuse).
The more I
think about it, the more I’m sure it can’t fail. Given the shortage of Catholic
priests, once the thing is up and running we might even be able to an official
deal with the Church; after all, this concept would go a long way towards
easing their manpower problems. I can also see possibilities for offering
different apps for other religions. You could do diet checks for Jews and
Muslims (hell, their dietary restrictions are so similar, you’d only have to
write the software once). You use your smartphone to read the bar code on a
product in a supermarket and the app tells you whether it’s kosher or halal or not. The Muslim
Comfort option finds your location automatically per GPS, calculates
sunrise and sunset for your position, reminds you when it’s time to pray and
even shows you the precise direction of Mecca
The
Buddhist, Hindu and Jain apps would offer karma
risk calculation tables, for the Hindus there could be all kinds of extras
like God of the Day, the Buddhists
can call up appropriate sayings of the Dalai Lama … the possibilities are
endless!
Get in
touch with me, Mr. Obnoxious, we’ve got to start working on this idea straight
away. Otherwise Steve Jobs will pick up on it and Apple will tie the whole
market up …
Yours
sincerely,
Frankie
